reflections on self

I am a shameful, corrupted mess of a creature; and so are you. I get sick to my stomach when I think of all the times I’ve been proud or thought I was good in some way…and even sicker when I continue to see myself think those things. I say I’ll do one thing, and I’ll do the opposite. I want to do right-but even that I can manage to make sinful. If I do something right in order to uphold a certain image of myself, to make me feel righteous, or for any reason other than honoring my Father’s commandments because I love Him and truly understand that my life is only given to me by Him-I have sinned because it has been about me. I am far more selfish than I like to think. All these things disgust me to my core. I am a Christian! I claim to love God! But can I honestly say I love Him with my whole heart, soul, strength, and mind? Most definitely not. If I did, I wouldn’t have contrived that evil in my heart last week. If I did, I wouldn’t have given up that fight with that sin. If I did, I wouldn’t give my mind the power to overcome and devour me with darkness. Our love for God, or lack thereof, is revealed by our choices; and my choices lead me to dire situations. I do love God, but it’s clear to see that sometimes I love other things more, I choose other things above Him. Every time I say this, I get so angry and disgusted at myself and the whole human race. How can we see the evil in ourselves yet continue to feed it? How can we point out the dark parts of out heart yet not let the light shine in? Because it’s our nature to sin, I guess. I went through a time of wanting God’s judgement, of wanting Him to pour upon me what I deserved, because I was so sick of it and so sick of dishonoring Him. I knew this disastrous cycle would never end until I died, and honestly…I just wanted to be Home. I still do, deeply. But here’s the thing: God knew this would happen with us. He knew I would continue to fall into the same traps over and over, and He knew that I would never be able to love Him perfectly. That is why He sent Jesus Christ to live the life I never could live, and die the death I will always deserve. He poured the judgement set aside for me onto Christ, and He did the same for you. I know this, and yet I did and still wrestle with the question of why and how God could love such evil things as we I never got a satisfying answer, and I may not this side of heaven. I will also never stop wanting to go Home, but I won’t try to rush my numbered days. I’ll use those days to show the rest what I know of God, to show that it’s okay to scream, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to ask why…but it’s never okay to give up. Strengthen yourself in God, fight the fight, and please, please-live on. 


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